| Friday: It was Phil’s last day before going home to his lady with a baby. Went to the studio. We probably made more music...This is being written on the following Tuesday so we can’t remember. It’s in the past so let’s leave it there and make up a more remarkable story about Friday. Maybe some of it will be true by accident. Max had been climbing Mount Juliet Binoche in his dreams and had fallen out of the top bunk onto a carpet covered in corn tortillas and salsa. Ouch. He then woke up to find that the tortillas were all a dream and Mount Juliet Binoche was only something he had written that he thought was funny at the time. He got down to brass tax and recorded his drum part. No problems. Kieran started slappin’ da bass mon...ugh...and Phil guitared his way to glory before John-Joe finished off with some keys keys. Difficult to know what it sounds like as all music now sounds the same. I'm sure Westlife have experienced the same thing, actually not sure if they’ve ever been in a recording studio, but if they have I'm sure they’d have this type of feeling, if they in fact have any feelings at all after their extensive all-over body botox, lobotomies and ...what’s the opposite of exorcisms? Anyway, a volcano erupted up the road and the devil gave us an opportunity to grab one thing of value from the studio before the whole place was covered in a gloopy bed of flaming hot magma. Phil was first and he went straight for Dennis’s guitar. Only a week earlier he tried to do a deal with Dennis that if we won a Grammy for him from this album Phil could keep the guitar. Dennis made the point that if we won a Grammy we may actually owe him something and not the other way around. Fair point. Kieran was tempted to save the hummus from the fridge cos it’s tasty an all but he opted for putting Will the intern on his shoulder and doing a legger. I’d like to say Johnny wanted to save Michael the Tech but Michael is a celiac and wouldn’t survive very long in a post-apocalyptic Mississippi, so he decided to nab a pack of the studio’s delicious herbal teas. Drinking camomile tea while watching a town burn and its inhabitants melt seems so southern and relaxing. Max just grabbed his crotch with both hands and let out a big Michael Jackson “HEE HEEEEE!!!” before again waking up on the couch in the control room to the sounds of “My grey pilot” flowing through the air. Sounds good. The kind of thing that could also make it onto Grey’s Anatomy or Brookside or Hollyoaks Nights or Ros Na Run or some other jive. No way, dinner in Two Stick? Yes, Japanese food is really the only way. Although we went for the vault and ate so much tempura we might as well have had three snack boxes and a half dozen batter sausages. Forgot to mention that Two Stick is on a hill so the lava was slow to catch us there. Seeing as it was Phil’s last night and he had to get up early to fly home we thought we’d supplement our volcano escape experience with a few cheeky beers, gin and tonics, Riojas and Rumblemints (The local name for the 100 proof murder juice toothpaste that is peppermint schnapps). We met with our lawyer, The right honourable Lady Lawboobs who told us of her magical condo on top of the highest hill in Oxford. A perfect excape from the deceptively slow Volcanic hot sauce that was creeping up behind us everywhere we went. Lady Lawboobs’ little dog, Lilly the Pliny the Elder, panicked and ate attention deficit disorder medication and sleeping pills and tried to land before she had taken off. Her heart exploded and she was grand. The devil told us it wasn’t any fun for us to be hiding away like that so he summoned us home to drink Miller High Life’s and pour tequila into laptops and disco dance on high stools while playing guitar and do saxophone solos to people on Skype before one by one throwing ourselves into the oncoming lava. That was the best bit. Would there be a Saturday? Would there be more blogging? Did you hear about the man with a wooden willy? .......Wooden pee!!! Anyway, seeing as we’ve already said this is being written the following Tuesday it’s safe to say we somehow survived and had to go to the studio the next day. Let’s hope it wasn’t too painful. |
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